LondonisoneofthefewplacesintheUKwherethe’Britishreserve’ofpolitenessistakenasasignofweakness.Showthistraitand60hardenedLondondriverswillimmediatelydotheirbesttoeviscerateyou.
BeforesettingouttodriveinLondon,itisworthtakingafewmomentstovisualiseyourcarasawhitevan,forthesearethetruelordsofLondon’sroads.Theyarehappytocrossthreelanesoftrafficwithoutaglancebackwardsbecausetheyknowyouarefarmorescaredofyourinsurancethantheyareoftheirs.
Yeteventheywillnotattempttoangerthedouble-deckerbus,which,havingnowbeengivenalegalrightofwayonLondonstreets,ismakingthemostofit.Bewaryofovertakingtheselumberingbeasts,forwhiletheymayseemtobedozingquietlyatthesideoftheroad,theywillleapoutatyouwithoutwarning.
MotorwayDrivingEtiquette
Duringpeaktimes(7-9amand5-7pm)theleft-handlaneisreservedforthe’Anti-DestinationLeague’(ADL)whopotteralongat55mph,andthe’GreatBritishMobileJunctionBlockingBrigade’(haulagetrucksandcaravans).Themiddlelaneshouldbekeptclearfortruckersthathavebeenslip-streamingtheirbuddiesforthelast50milesandhavejustbuiltenoughmomentumtospendthenext75milesinadeath-defyingovertakingmanoeuvre.Thisleavestherighthandlaneforeveryoneelse.
Themiddlelanecansometimesbeusedto’undertake’(adeliciouslyprescientword)yo-yoingdriversintherighthandlane,thoughyouaretakingsomelibertieswithpreviousestimatesofyourlifeexpectancy.
Atoff-peaktimesthingschangeratherdramatically.Ithasbeendecided,byamassivesubconsciousnationwidethought,thattherearethreenewnamesforthelanesonBritishmotorways:slow,cruise,andfast.Thus,ifyouarenotalorryorcaravanitisyourdutytositinthemiddlelane,evenifyouaregoingquiteslowly,withanemptyspacetoyourleftandnumerouscarsflashingtheirheadlightsbehindyou.Thefastlaneisonlyforpeoplewhowanttoattempttodoublethenationalspeed-limitof70mphandgetawaywithit.
RuralDrivingEtiquette
WhenonholidayinaruralpartsoftheUKthereareafewthingstoremember:
Youmightwellbeonholidaybutnoteverybodyelseis,sopleasedriveataproperdrivingspeed,andnotat20mphsoyoucanlookatthenicescenery.
Ifit’sbeenraining,theroadswillbewetandslippery,evenmoresothancityroadswhichtendtobeinbettercondition.Agoodwayofcheckingifaroadmightbedangerousandcauseyoutoskidistolookforbitsofmissingwall,orcar-shapedholesinfences.
Themiddlefingersignaliswellknowninruralparts,raisedbywayofgreeting.SeetheentryonIrishDrivingEtiquetteformoreinformation.
Ifyou’retowingahorseboxbesuretomovetothecentreoftheroadwhensomeonetriestoovertake.Everyoneloveswatchingthebackofyourslowmovingvehicle.Really.
Makesureeveryoneknowsyouareatouristbynotacceleratingafterpullingoutofsideturningsandcoveringtwothirdsofyourwindscreenwithamapofthearea.
RulesforOvertaking
IntheUKpeoplearesimplynottaughttoovertake.Combinethatwiththenaturallyanallyself-righteousnatureoftheBritishdriverandpoorlevelsofvehiclecontrol,andobservesomesimpleempiricalrulesforovertakingandbeingovertaken.
Onbeingovertakenstarefixedlyahead.Donot,underanycircumstancesacknowledgethefactthatsomeonewishestogetpastyou.Waituntilthey’realongsideyou.Clenchteethonpipe.Nowaccelerate.Hard.However,onamotorwaymakesureyou’reintheoutsidelane.Slowdownto68mph.Adjustflatcap.Wait20minutes.Tutloudlywhenpassedontheinside.
Whenovertakingapproachtowithinonepaintlayerofthevehicleinfront.Weavearoundtheroadabitinfutileattempttoseepast.Wait.Weave.Waitabitlonger.Waitforablindbendtocomeup.Nowovertake.Indicate(optional).Onamotorway,there’susuallysomeoneinaVolvotravellingat68mphintheoutsidelane,wearingaflatcapandsmokingapipe.Theinnertwoorthreelanesare,ofcourse,emptyofalltraffic.Approachasnormal,butdropbackandaccelerateatthemafewtimes,flashinglights.Thisisforform’ssakeonly-therewillbenoresponse.Waitashortwhile.Checkcarefullyformarkedpolicecarsandothercarswithsuspiciousaerialsorcameras.Swerveleft(UKroadrules,remember).Accelerateupinside,withnosepressedtosidewindow,makingironicgesturestootherdriver.
Thereareseveraloptionsforovertakingbicycles,twoofwhichare:
TheTheoreticalPhysicist:Treatthebicycleasawidthlesstwo-dimensionalobjectofeffectivelyzerovelocityandzeromass.Thereforemakenochangetoyourtrajectorywhenpassing.Ifyouwishtoturnleftimmediatelyafterpassingthisisnotaproblem,giventheassignedparameters.Anysubsequentswearingandcrunchingnoisesareanartifactofthecyclist’sfailuretounderstandyourframeofreference.
TheHelpfulSwerve:Seebicyclewhenit’s10maway.Wait.Swerveoutatlastminute,missingcyclistbymillimetres.Continuetrajectoryuntilyouare5moutwhen50mpastthecyclist.Swervebacktoavoidlorryyou’vejustseencomingtheotherway.
RulesuponHearingaSiren
Uponhearingasiren,andthusbeinginthepresenceofavehiclewithaflashingbluelightthatneedstogetpastextremelyquickly,calmlymoveoverasbestyoucantothesideoftheroadandwaitforsaidvehicletopass.Thencontinueonyourjourney.
Alternatively,dowhateveryoneintheUKdoes:pullthestupidestmanoeuvrepossible,anddonotpulloverinacalm,collected,responsibleway.Instead,swerveviolentlyintotopathoftheoncomingemergencyvehicle,or,ifit’sbehindyou,jamyourbrakesonunexpectedlytoproducedramaticskidsfrombothyourcarandthewearypublicservantwhoistryingtoarrivesomewhereelsefiveminutesago.
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