WeseeallkindsofbehaviorinNewYork,andascitizens,wepracticeourownvarieties.Callitresearch,thisconstantbumping-into,hustling-over,spitted-on;somepeoplebehavewellinthiscity,othersdon’t.Basedongoodandbadexamplesofetiquettewe’vewitnessed,thisguidehasbeencompiledtohelpthetouristandveteranalikeinnavigatingNewYorkinthebestpossiblemanner.
OntheSubwayPlatformWhenenteringthesubwaystationpayutmostattentiontothemovementsoftheothertravelers.Lookforholesinthewaveofthosewalkingupthestairsandtrytoenterwithoutdisturbingtheflowofhumanpassage.Behardy:despitewhateverstressmaycomefromtryingtoreachthesubwayplatform,donot,underanycircumstances,actuponyourfrustrationCbygroaning,rollingyoureyes,standingstillincontempt,etc.Cyouwillonlypainyourselfinthefaceofanuncaringmob.
Itisalawofphysicsthatnotwophysicalbodiescanoccupythesamepointinspaceatthesametime.Thus,whenyourtrainarrives,alwaysletpassengers
offthetrainbeforeyougeton.Thisisnosituationtobemessingwithphysics.
Onoccasion,youmayfindyourtrainpullingintothestationasyouarestilldescendingthestairs.Insuchacase,putspringintoyourstepandattempttogetaboard.Ifyouaresuccessful:bravo.Ifyouareunsuccessful:payitnomind;you’llwait.Ifyou’rehalfwayin-betweenandaretryingtowedgethedoorsopenwithyoursatchel:giveitup.It’srudetotheotherpassengerswhoaretryingtoreachtheirdestinationandthetrainconductorCastaunchproponentofurbanetiquetteCwillneverstandforit.Barelymissingtheopendoorsandappearingtrulysadwillsometimesmelttheirsteelyglare,butattemptingtoforceyourwayonboardwillneverCneverCbemetwithpity.
Itisalwaysrudetobleednearsomeone,especiallyinacrowdedtrainstation.Ifyoufindyourselfbleedingwhilewaitingforthesubway,excuseyourselfandfindanearbydressingstation.IntheworstcasescenarioCwhereyourheadfeelslightandyou’veforgottenyournameCgotoahospital.Donotboardthetrain.
Thesubwayplatformexistsforonepurposeonly:aplacetobidetimeuntilyourtrainarrives.Andbideyouwill.Whentheoccasionarisesthatfellowbidersaskyoufordirections,makethemostofit.You’vetimetokillandwhatbetterwaytoletitpassthanhelpingsomeoneout?Ifyoudon’tknowwhichtrainstheyshouldtake,consultamap.Discusspossibleroutesandsuggestworthwhileeateriesandattractionsthey’llfindonarrival.
Thereisnothingmoreaggravatingthanapercussionperformeronthesubwayplatform,especiallyonethatusesplastictubsasdrums.Donotoffermoneyorencouragementtothisperson;saveitfortheviolinist,theguitarplayer,orthemime.
IntheSubwayCarIfridingalone,keeptoyourself.Readyourbook,listentomusic(whetherportableorimagined),stareatyourfeet.Don’tengageotherpassengersinmildconversation;they’repreoccupiedwiththesameactivitiesandusuallydon’twishtobedisturbed.Theveryactofridingthesubwayisaperformanceinitself.Whilemanyridersmaysecretlywishtohaveachatwithyou(youmaybeveryhot),theyarefartooinvolvedCasshouldyoubeCincompletesubmersionintheirchosencharacter:thatofthemute.
Ifridingwithfriends,youmay,ofcourse,speakfreelywiththem.Keepconversationpersonal,quiet,and,wheneverpossible,notaboutanyoftheotherpassengers’appearanceorfashionchoices.Inthiscase,keeptoyourselves.
Subwaytrainsareoftencrowded;ifyou’restandingbyadoorasthetrainpullsintothestation,
andyou’renotgettingoff,getoffanywayandallowpeopletoexitthetrain,thenrushbackinbeforethenextwavestartsmoving.
Pregnantwomen,oldpeople,thedisabled,peoplewithstrollers,andchildrendeserveseatsmorethanyou,unlessyoufallintooneofthosecategories,atwhichpoint‘dukingitout’willdecidewhositsdown.Youareundernoobligationtorelinquishyourseatjustbecausesomeoneasksforit,butifthey’vegonesofarastoask,it’slikelytheyneeditmorethanyoudo.
AttheDelicatessenDelicounterlinesarenotoriouslychaotic.Firsttakeavisualsurveyoftheprocess,thencautiouslyenterthefray.Ifyouareunsureaboutyourorder,allowothercustomerstostepahead;theyreallydon’tcarewhetherornotyou’llhavebacon.
Whenorderingatthecounter,placeyourorderinacleartone;thiswillensuretheproperconstructionofyourmeal,assumingthecookisfocusedandinadecentmood.Beprecise:there’sadifferencebetweenroastedturkeyandsmokedturkey.Ifyouwantshreddedlettuce,specifythatyoudo,oryou’llreceivewhole-leaflettuce.Mostdelisassumeyouwantlettuceandtomatoonanythingyouorder;thisissimilartoDunkinDonuts’sassumptionthatcoffeecan’tbemadewithoutmilkandsugar.Becareful.
Donotrequestasandwich‘witheverything.’Whythisisdone,wereallycan’tsay,butanumberoftimeswe’veseenthecooksscratchtheirheadsandsay,‘Really?Everything?’Peoplethatorderanything‘witheverything’areobviouslyindiscriminate,aqualifyingtraitforhomicidalpsychopaths.
Whilewaitingforyourmeal,feelfreetobrowsethesecondaryfoodstuffs.Butnotfortoolong!Youshouldmakeyourwaybacktothedelicounterinareasonableamountoftime(twotothreeminutes)topickupyourorder.
Aboveallelse,whenpayingforyouritemsattheregisteryoushouldbeaspoliteandunderstandingaspossible.ANewYorker’sregulardelibecomeshisprimarysourceoffood.Thisfoodcostsmoney,ofwhichtheNewYorkerisoftenslightlyshort.Ahealthyrelationshipwiththeregisterstaffensuresthatwhenyourwalletislessthanhealthyyou’llstillbeabletosurvive(withinlimits,ofcourse).Smilesandthank-youswillsuffice:suchpersonalnicetiesarepricelessinNewYorkCity.
AttheATMDonot,ever,standtooclosetosomeonewho’susinganATMmachine,unlessthey’reaclosefriendorlover.Ifthey’reafriend,butnotclose,youshouldwaitbythedepositenvelopes.Ifthey’reastranger,stayatleasttenfeetawayandlookdistracted,thoughnotobviouslyso,asinthecaseofabad-actor-turned-burglarabouttorobthem.
DonotspendtoomuchtimeatasingleATM;peoplearewaitingandtheyhavethingstodo.Ifyoumusttreatthemachinelikeyourownpersonalaccountant,spreadyourdutiesacrossmultiplemachines.
Donotfeeltheneedtotipthepersonholdingthedooropenforyou;theydonotworkforthebank.
IntheTaxiUponenteringthetaxitellthedriveryourdestinationCclearlyandaudibly.Tellthedriveranycriticalexitstotakeorturnstomake.Tellthedriverwhichsideofthestreetyouneedtobeletouton(ifyouknow).Tellthedriveranythingyoufeelisnecessaryforyoutoreachyourintendeddestination.Tellthedrivereverythingexcept,‘Steponit.’
Ifthedriverbeginstellingyouastoryorofferingpoliticalviews,payattention:itcouldbegoodanecdotalmaterial.Ifthestoryinterfereswiththetaskofgettingyouwhereyou’retryingtogo,feelfreetocasuallymentionthatit’llbeuphere,ontheleft.Underneaththeredcanopy.
Ifthedrivercomplainsthatyourdestinationistoofar,asktobeletout,paywhateverfarehasaccruedtothatpointCdonottipCandhailanothertaxi.Unlessit’scoldorraining:That’swhenhailingacabisatitsmostcompetitive.Insuchcases,stickitoutandpretendthatyouandthedriverdonotshareacommonlanguage.Pointalot.
Tipaccordingtoservice.Adirect,comfortableride,acleancab,andacourteousdriverconstructthescaleyoushouldusefordetermininghowmuchshouldbegiven.Abadcabrideisneverforgotten,whileagoodoneoftenis.Showyourappreciationwhileyoucanrememberto.
AttheBarIfaladyisholdingacigaretteandyou’reaman,it’syourjobtolightitwithoutdisturbingherorherconversation.Forthis,smokerornot,youshouldcarryalighter;otherwiseyou’llhavetoscrambleforapackofmatchesand,assoonasyoutrytolightone,awindwillsuddenlyappear.FeelfreetosilentlycurseTheFates.
TheGoes-Around-Comes-Aroundprinciplemustbeassumedforanightofdrinkstogosmoothly.Thismeansyouoffertobuyaroundwhenit’syourturnandnotwaittobereminded.Anymembersofthepartynot‘buyingtheirshare’shouldbeexplicitlytoldwhenit’stheirturn,tosavethemanylong-standingresentmenttheirfriendsmaycarryafterwards.
Wewon’tevengointohowtopickupmenorwomenatabar,except:ifyoudon’tknowhow,noonecanhelpyou.Andifyoudoknowhow,noonecanhelpyou.You’rehelpless,anywayyoucutit.
Bartendersshouldalwaysbetippedadollaroneverydrinkunlessthebartenderiscruel,slow,orbad.Ifthedollaristoofixedforyou,thinktoyourself:IfIwasthetypetotipmyfriends,wouldheorshequalifyasafriend?Ifso,howgoodafriend?Though‘buy-backs’arerecentlyillegalinNewYork,goodtippingwillencourageafreedrinkyourway.Ifyou’reentertainingout-of-townguestswhodonotnormallytipathome,donotletthemgetawaywithanyfeebleexcuses.
Anydrinkovereightdollarsisnotworthitunless(A)youjustgotaraiseor(B)youjustpickedfiveoutofsixonthePowerball.Ifyouansweryestoeitherquestion,youshouldbebuyingdrinksforeveryone.
AttheRestaurantIt’salwaysbettertobeover-dressedatarestaurantthanunder-dressed.Formen:shortsarenotacceptable,exceptatlunch,onvacation,inyourhotelroom,amillionmilesawayfromanyoneyouknow.Forwomen:womencangenerallywearwhatevertheywishatthetableandnotlooklikefoolsdoingit:theycanevenwearhats.Thejury’sstilloutonculottes,though.
Iftherestaurantofferscoatcheck,youmayrefuseitandhangyourcoatonthebackofyourchair.However,ifyou’vebeenshoppingalldayandhaveadozenbags,thesemustbecheckedasit’simpolitetostuffthemunderyourtableandmakeyourfellowdinersjealous.Iftherestaurantgentlyinsiststhatyoucheckyourcoat,doso.Coat-checkpeopleshouldbetippedadollar,regardlessofwhetherornottheyrummagearoundinyourbagsandriflethroughyourpockets.
Acellphonemaynotbeusedinarestaurant.Ever.Ifyoumusttakeacall(andthatphone
betterhavebeenonvibratemode),excuseyourselfandwalkoutsideCnottothebar,nottothehall,nottothebathroom:outside.Ifyoumustplaceacall,you’rewrong:thatcallisn’tnecessary.Butifyoucontinueinthisdelusion,gooutsideandstartdialingoncethedoorisclosed.Wedon’tcareifyourbaby’scrying,yourmother’sdying,oryourhusbandsethispantsonfire;we’retryingtoenjoyourmeal,andwe’dliketodosoinquiet.
Womenorderfirst.Ifthewaitermotionstothemantoorderbeforealady,itistheman’sresponsibilitytolookdownhumbly.Itisthelady’sresponsibilitytoorderfirst,nomatterwhat,unlessshe’sformedanagreementwithherpartnerstoorderlastbecauseshehasn’tmadeuphermind.Also,iftheladydisagreeswiththisrule,shemayorderwhenevershewants;wewereonlytryingtobecourteous.
Donotpretendtoknowaboutwineifyoudon’t.Findtheablestwine-nerdatthetableCusuallytheonewhograbsforthelistCandletthemchoose.Ifyou’reofferedthebottle,nod,thenonceofferedaglasstakeasmallsniff,twosips,andsaysomethinglike,‘Oh,that’snice.’Donotreturnthebottleunlessit’sobviouslysourorplainwrong,orthewaitersnickersafteryousay,‘Oh,that’snice.’Waittodrinkfurtheruntilallglassesarepoured.
Inthecaseofbeingservedwinethatyoudidn’torderbutisobviouslybetterthanyouwanted,acceptimmediatelyandplayitcool.Drinkyourfairshare,andstickyourfriendwiththecheck;thenextday,whenhebringsitup,say‘Yeah,butman,thatwinewasreallygood,right?’Andhe’llsmile,forgettingthewholething.YoutwoareacoupleofrascalsCacoupleofscamps.
AskingforthecheckwiththeflourishofahandisOK;askingforthecheckbybarking,waving,orcommandeeringstraywaitressesisnot.
Neverbetalkedintoorderingawinethatistooexpensive.Neverfearaskinghowmuchthespecialscost.Alwaystakehometheleftovers,whetherinbag,bottle,orpurse.
AtthePartyIfyou’vebeeninvitedtoaparty,youarelikelyexpectedtobringsomething:abottleofwine,adessert,flowers(exceptions:businessparties,launchparties,bookparties,orpartiesthrownbytheobscenelywealthywhoprobablywouldn’twantanythingyoucanafford).Evenifthehostinsistsyoushouldnotbringsomething,they’relying,andtheywillthinkbetterofyouthantheotherguestswhenyouarrivewithabottleofwine,aboxofchocolates,andadozenroses.
Asmartguestwillconsultthehostonwhattypeofwinetobring;asmarterguestwillbringtwobottles.
Ifyouareaguestofsomeoneinvited,youarealsoexpectedtobringsomethingtotheparty,ofsimilarCbutmoreexpensiveCnature,inordertocompensateforyourlackofinvitation.Itwouldalsobewisetocomplimentthehost’sapartment,evenifit’sadump.
Ifyou’vebeeninvitedtoadinnerpartyClargeorsmallCyoushouldassumethatthehostexpectstobehostedinreturn.Youshouldsubmityourinvitationwithinthreeweeksofthehost’sparty,butnosoonerthantendaysaftersaidparty;youdon’twanttoseemeagerorunappreciative,butaconscientiousgoodfriend.
OntheStreetBemindfulthatothersonthestreetaretryingtogetsomeplaceCfast;andalsobeawarethattheyshouldassumethatyou’retryingtogetsomeplaceCfast.ThisiswhypeopleonthestreetsofNewYorkwalksoquickly.It’sthe‘quickly’partthataidsthe‘fast’part.Sostepquickly,sirsandmadams.And,please,please,noserpentiningdownthesidewalk.
It’simpolitetobroachstrangersonthestreetandtellthemhowawfultheylook.It’salsoimpolitetostartfightswithhomelesspeople.However,itisunbelievablyrudetodobothatthesametime,whileimpersonatingahomelessperson.Thishasbeenwitnessed.
Atnight,ifyou’reamanandyou’rewalkingalongastreetonwhichawomaniswalking,andthereisnooneelsearound,donotwalkbehindher.SwitchtotheothersideofthestreetandmakeasubtlenoiseCjinglechange,half-whistle(butnotwolf-whistle),scuffyourshoesCsoastoalertthefemalethataslightlyeccentricbutcompletelynon-threateningmaleiswithinahundredyards.Bynomeansmayyouspeaktoher,unlessthisisacaseofgenuinetruelove,atwhichpointyoushouldspeaktoher.Saysomethingwitty,simpleandurbaneCthinktimeless,like‘Sorry,doyouhavethetime?’Cthatwillallowforfurtherconversation.However,ifit’sdifficulttodiscernwhetherornotthisisatrue-lovescenario,itisn’t.[
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