美国晚间脱口秀笑话节选：
"Former President George W. Bush just signed a $7 million book deal, though, reportedly, he thought it was to read one." --Jimmy Fallon
“前总统布什刚刚签订了一项价值700万美元的出书合同，不过，据说，他以为是读一本书的合同。” -吉米・法伦
"General Motors says they won't need the $2 billion bailout money after all. Apparently they're getting great returns with some guy named Madoff." -- Craig Ferguson (09.3.12) www.ivedu.com
”通用汽车公司说，其实他们并不再需要那笔20亿美元的紧急援助了。显然他们从某个叫做麦道夫的家伙那里得到了巨大回报。“
"Well, in a stunning announcement, Citigroup showed a profit and had its best quarter since 2007. They made $8 billion in profit. That just goes to show you, you give a company $45 billion in government bailout money, and they'll show you how to turn it into $8 billion. See this is capitalism!" -- Jay Leno (09.3.10)
"O，一个惊人的消息，花旗集团报告上季度盈利了，这是2007年以来表现最好的季度。他们一个季度就获利80亿美元。这正是说明，给一家公司450亿美元的财政援助，他们就能把它变成80亿美元。看，这就是资本主义!”
"How about this satellite they just launched that will look for Earth-like planets in our galaxy that might contain life? They say they're trying to answer the question, 'Is there intelligent life on other planets, and if there is, will they loan us money?'" -- Jay Leno (09.3.9) www.ivedu.com
“知道新发射的那颗卫星吗，说是去寻找银河系里其他和地球一样有生命的行星的那颗?据说他们在试图寻找这样一个问题的答案，到底有没有具备智慧的生命生存在其他行星上?如果有的话，他们会不会贷些款给我们吗?“
"A new poll indicates that Americans are now less religious than ever before. But I think people are more religious now because all you have to do is take a look at your 401(k) and you start shouting, 'Oh, God! Oh God!'" -- David Letterman (09.3.9)
”一项新的民意调查显示，美国人现在比以往任何时候都缺乏宗教信仰。但是我认为美国同胞们现在更信奉宗教了，因为你只需看看你的退休金账户401(k)，你就会开始高喊：'哦，上帝!我的上帝啊!”
"Citigroup on Thursday set another milestone as the beleaguered bank dropped below $1 a share, marking the first stock to be offered on the McDonalds value meal." -- Seth Meyers (09.3.6-7) www.ivedu.com
“本周四花旗集团又创下了一个里程碑，这家处于困境的银行股价跌破1美元，成为第一个麦当劳餐厅超值菜单上供应的股票。” (iDo98版) (jiantou/sssonic)
“周四，花旗集团树立了新的里程碑：这家内外交困的银行股价跌破1美元，标志着它将成为第一支麦当劳超值套餐股票。” (sssonic版)
"This weekend is Daylight Savings Time. ... You're going to lose an hour of sleep, and then I thought but what the hell, you've pretty much lost everything else. But not everyone sets their clocks ahead. Not everyone. No, no, no, no, no. On Wall Street, they've already set their clocks back to 1929." -- David Letterman (09.3.6-7)
“本周末是冬夏时调整日。 ...你将会失去一个小时的睡眠，不过我想，管它哪，反正你已经差不多失去了一切。但并非每个人都要将钟表调前一小时的。不是每个人。不，不，不。在华尔街上，他们早已把他们的钟表调回到了1929年。”
"According to a new study, people are sleeping less because they're worried about the economy. I think also it might have something to do with the fact they're sleeping under bridges." -- Craig Ferguson (09.3.5)
“根据一项新的调查显示，人们由于担心经济，现在睡眠越来越少了。我想这也许还有一个原因，他们现在都睡在桥下了吧。”
"I'll tell you how bad the economy is. Listen, I was in Beverly Hills, and I saw a guy driving an American car." --Jay Leno (09.3.4) www.ivedu.com
“让我来告诉你们经济有多糟。看，那天在贝弗利山庄，我居然看见一个家伙开着一辆美国车。”
"Despite the recession, Microsoft is planning to open stores to compete with Apple. Microsoft says that they'll be just like the Apple stores, except the staff will freeze when you ask them a question." --Jimmy Fallon (09.3.2)
“尽管目前经济衰退，微软公司正在计划开设店铺，准备和苹果公司一决雌雄。微软公司表示，他们的店铺将会像苹果公司的店铺一模一样，嗯，除了当你向店员提问的时候，店员会像Windows那样...突然卡住。”
"Well, according to the financial columnist Liz Peek, who writes for the 'Wall Street Weekly,' Wall Street is giving President Obama an 'F' for his first month in office. George W. Bush was furious when he heard about this. He said, 'Hey, that's easy to do for one month. You try to maintain that 'F' for eight straight years, okay? Then call me. That's when we'll talk.'" --Jay Leno (09.3.2) www.ivedu.com
“据华尔街周刊金融专栏作家皮克报道，华尔街给奥巴马总统第一个月的任职表现评分为‘F’。前总统布什听到后非常气愤，他说： '嘿，得一个月的'F'，那是很容易的。您试试连续八年得‘F看看，你能做到吗?做到了再打电话给我。那时你才能和我平起平坐呐。”
"A huge blizzard covered the East Coast with 10 inches of snow. Police said there would've been traffic jams if people still had jobs to go to." --Craig Ferguson www.ivedu.com
“一场巨大的暴雪席卷了东海岸，积雪高达10英寸。警方表示，幸好许多人没有工作，不然的话就会造成交通堵塞了。”
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